August 22, 2007
I’m obsessing. Still no AF and unsure about ovulation. I’m so trying not to obsess about this but I can’t stop. I’m just so frightened that something might be wrong and I’m not ovulating normally. I want to get pregnant again so bad. B. (which I’ll call my husband from now on) tells me that the more I think about it, the more it won’t happen. I’m stressing about it way too much. I’m the type of person that I like to read up on things, mostly from the internet. I’ve probably read too much information about pregnancy, miscarriage and, lately, ovulation or lack thereof. Then reading about diseases and such that cause miscarriage and infertility and thinking I might have something. See? Way to obsessed. I want to buy an OPK but again, I’d obsess. I wouldn’t even know when to use it anyway because God knows how my periods are. Let’s see… it’s been 38 days since my last period. As of August 3rd I wasn’t ovulating. Saw a little bit of CM this morning, which could mean anything or nothing. I refuse to buy a HPT because I don’t think I’m pregnant but also I said I wouldn’t buy one unless I was getting sick, which with me would mean pregnancy as I never get sick. Mostly I think I refuse to buy one because I wouldn’t want to know I was pregnant if I happened to miscarry again. Do you ever wish you hadn’t known you were pregnant? Sometimes I do. I tested out of the blue the last time not even thinking I was pregnant and I was. Maybe I’m afraid of it happening again and maybe for my own sake, I’d rather not know. Why must this be so hard? This is what women are supposed to do, what our bodies are meant to do. Why must this be so fucking hard for some of us?