August 22, 2007

Mood: Angry

Posted in Anger, Fear, Ovulation, Periods, Stress at 3:13 pm by Melanie

I’m obsessing. Still no AF and unsure about ovulation. I’m so trying not to obsess about this but I can’t stop. I’m just so frightened that something might be wrong and I’m not ovulating normally. I want to get pregnant again so bad. B. (which I’ll call my husband from now on) tells me that the more I think about it, the more it won’t happen. I’m stressing about it way too much. I’m the type of person that I like to read up on things, mostly from the internet. I’ve probably read too much information about pregnancy, miscarriage and, lately, ovulation or lack thereof. Then reading about diseases and such that cause miscarriage and infertility and thinking I might have something. See? Way to obsessed. I want to buy an OPK but again, I’d obsess. I wouldn’t even know when to use it anyway because God knows how my periods are. Let’s see… it’s been 38 days since my last period. As of August 3rd I wasn’t ovulating. Saw a little bit of CM this morning, which could mean anything or nothing. I refuse to buy a HPT because I don’t think I’m pregnant but also I said I wouldn’t buy one unless I was getting sick, which with me would mean pregnancy as I never get sick. Mostly I think I refuse to buy one because I wouldn’t want to know I was pregnant if I happened to miscarry again. Do you ever wish you hadn’t known you were pregnant? Sometimes I do. I tested out of the blue the last time not even thinking I was pregnant and I was. Maybe I’m afraid of it happening again and maybe for my own sake, I’d rather not know. Why must this be so hard? This is what women are supposed to do, what our bodies are meant to do. Why must this be so fucking hard for some of us?



  1. LizzieK said,

    I felt the same way as you did. I told my husband that this time around maybe if I pretend I am not pregnant then if something happens it won’t hurt as bad. Maybe you should take a HPT. If you have been active and you say you don’t know when you ovulated then you could be pregnant. Also sometimes you do not have the same symptoms with each pregnancy. You seem torn about the OPK. I am a huge fan of the fertility monitor. It lets you test more often then just buying the regular kits. I thought it would make me obsess as well but it just took the guess work out of figuring out when I was ovulating, I have been VERY irregular after going off the pill. I Hope you get AF soon and start to feel better!

  2. Rachel said,

    I hope today starts getting better for you.

    With my second pregnancy, I didn’t think I was pregnant because NONE of my symptoms were the same as last time. I don’t know how not to obsess. When I went to grief counseling, my counselor recommended I only do light reading for awhile and avoid all pregnancy and miscarriage reading. It helped a ton. Good luck to you!

  3. chaith said,

    I am not really sure how I came about your blog, but glad that I did. I was looking to see if there are other like me out there and even thought it is sad, it is kinda reassuring that I am not alone in this. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and am on Metformin. My husband and I found ourselves pregnant after trying for 7 months, but sadly I had a miscarriage in early December at 6 weeks. It was apparently a blighted ovum. I was told by my doctor and friends that I am handling it very well and am staying very positive. I am not so sure about that.
    Right now I am very anxious because AF hasn’t come yet and it has been 5 1/2 weeks the miscarriage. I am afraid that my body is going back to not ovulating!
    It is good to see that you are now pregnant. Congratulations! This gives me some hope.
    Thanks for sharing your experiences.

  4. Nina said,

    I too micarried in May after trying to get pregnant for 2 years.. I was totally devastated and really still am. I lost the baby at 6 weeks. I just want to get back to trying but haven’t had a regular period yet and it’s September. I started spotting early in July throughout the whole month I did get a more regular flow the end of july that lasted a long 12 days. (I’m very regular, every 26 days and last for only 4 days) It is now 35 days since that so called period and I still haven’t got it yet. I have all the symtoms bloating, cramps, and back ache. But no period. I thought I ovulated a few weeks back which seemed to match with the expected date of my period. But nothing. I am afraid that this put me into menopause, i am 46 years old.
    Just wanted to vent and let you know you are not alone.

  5. candi said,

    I felt the same way i found out i was pregnant on september 18th 2008 i was 4 weeks . I’ve been trying for a while and finally happen they told me my due date. which would have been may 30th of 2009 but october 29th had an ultra sound that showed baby thats 6 weeks and 2 days wtih 0 heart beat, am supposed to be 9weeks and 6 days. Then i started bleeding so november 1st of 2008 i had the worst cramps ever passed out some clots then the pain got i ended up in the er went to the bath and passed my baby out in the toilet. That was the worst feeling in the world. Am still so sad because this was my first baby and every where i go their is a pregnant woman around. All i can say god knows best and best wishes to all.

  6. helen said,

    Please don’t give up hope, I have POCS and had trouble conceiving I finally fell pregnant then lost the baby at 6 weeks. I still feel sad & angry about it now, but I fell pregnant again and thankfull this time it was a success. It wasn’t easy I was so frightened something would happen I could relax and enjoy it. I had a difficult birth and my little girl was very poorly with jaundice. I thought I was going to loose her. But I now have a healthy happy 10 month old. I have been diagnosed with PND and am on antidepressants. Sometimes I have good days, some times bad days. But I guess what I am trying to say is its okay to feel sad & angry you have a right too. Take tiem to greive. Please don’t blame yourself. If you manage to get pregnant try to enjoy it rather than stress out I really regret not enjoying my pregnancy. Yes life is unfair all these unfit parents who cant get pregnant so easy. But once you get your baby you will be a prefect mother because your baby will be so loved and wanted. To help get pregnant I went to a nutritionalist and followed a low GI diet to help regulate my hormones, I exercised regularly, and tried to emlinate chemicals from my home etc. Don’t be disheartend if you do everything right like this and don’t get pregnant straight away it takes time to rebalance your body. Most off all be kind to yourself, try to do things you enjoy & take time to relax. Take care I hope you get your baby soon. x

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